(Editor’s note: The entire article is written in a tongue-in-cheek manner, with more than a sprinkling of truth contained within)
Fantasy football. Ask anybody who doesn’t “get it,” and you’ll get all manner of derisive comments……
“It’s for losers trying to live vicariously.”
“Most of these people have never even played a down of football.”
“Bunch of number-geeks who know nothing about the sport.”
If, like myself, you’ve been an avid fantasy sports player for some time now, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the head-shaking in your general direction, typically accompanied by a dismissive sneer, the rolling of the eyes, or a mocking chuckle – all as if to say “Oh, you’re one of those….,” in a manner rather far removed from complimentary.
I stand up with pride and raise my hand. I am in fact a fantasy football addict. Going back to at least 2004, Yahoo Fantasy Sports has been my poison of choice. I have dabbled in fantasy basketball, fantasy NASCAR, fantasy baseball, and even fantasy golf. Yes, some Sundays in my not-too-distant past have involved checking the leaderboard at obscure PGA tournaments in the hope that somehow, Brett Quigley was rallying on the back 9.
Yeah, I felt the same way too, Brett……
So after a whole decade of doing this, it seemed as good a time as any to write this article. It is not a manifesto, it is not to excuse any of my fantasy sports-related actions in the past, and it certainly is not to justify any future such behavior. It is, as the saying tends to go, what it is. This is the life of a fantasy football addict.
I have…
…gotten antsy while sitting in a church pew on Sunday mornings. Not because sermons have stretched unusually long and not because I have felt the pangs of hunger as the lunch hour beckoned (lunch? More on that later). No, I have become fidgety while waiting for the 1:00 p.m. Inactives list to be announced to get confirmation on the status of the inevitable Doubtfuls and Probables on my rosters.
…uttered silent thanks to the boom in information technology. Smartphones and streaming options have been a Godsend. Please note that confession #s 1 and 2 are not necessarily mutually-exclusive. Draw your own patterns from there.
…skipped meals to keep track of games. Sunday lunch has been the meal most susceptible to this. It probably doesn’t do the body well, but with Redzone and multiple games up on the screen, holding off for a 2:30 lunch during halftimes has not been unusual. Even midweek mealtimes have not been immune to this phenomenon. There are Wednesday morning waiver pickups to check on and Thursday night kickoffs to prepare for, after all……
…given rise to a whole new form of communication in my household on Sunday afternoons. Sample conversations with my children on the way home from church:
Me: “Ok, kids. What are we watching when we get home?”
Children (in unison): “Football.”
Me: “And are you going to bother Daddy?”
Children: “No.”
Hey, the children need to learn to entertain themselves, right? Who am I to stand in the way of the development of their independence? And if they want to watch with me, I certainly will not stop them, even though it sometimes leads to this conversation:
Child: “Which game are we watching, Daddy?”
Me: “All of them, dear.”
Confused look comes across child’s face, and they end up playing with a toy or coloring.
It does not stop there. Throughout the course of the afternoon, with games on the screen and StatTracker loaded up on the laptop, there will be the occasional grunts and groans and whoops of delight emanating from me. I’ve been married 8 years, and it took about 4-5 for my wife to realize that I wasn’t calling her or that nothing was actually happening to me. There will still be the occasional “What?” from the other room, quickly followed by a wild gesticulation with my hands, and her saying “Oh, fantasy.”
…altered schedules around drafts. Don’t look at me funny. If you’re reading this article, you’re a sports fan, and the likelihood is high that you’re involved in fantasy sports. You know exactly what it’s like to try and finish a meal or wrap up a meeting in time to get home and get settled down with your notes and cheat sheets before entering the draft room.
…rooted against my favorite team. It has been said that the cardinal sin of any fantasy manager is to root for the opponents of his favorite team(s) simply because of the players involved. In my defense, I have only done that on the occasions when I know the outcome of the game has been essentially decided. I mean, if Drew Brees needs about 25 more yards so my roster can be the beneficiary of a yardage bonus, and the Saints are already beating the Panthers by more than 2 scores, it doesn’t make a difference, right? RIGHT???????
…felt comfortable being on a first-name basis with players on my roster(s). Peyton. DeMarco. Julio. Adrian. Brett. Jamaal. LeSean. Wes. Dallas (of “Throw it to Clark” fame, not the city). Joe. Calvin. Why, I’ve even done the same with kickers and IDPs (if you have to ask what that is, you can stop reading now, newbie). Isn’t that right, Mason, J.J., Patrick, and Robbie? That one time at a preseason game when I yelled out “Hey, Adam!” to Adam Vinatieri during warmups and he waved back and said “I’ll do my best, man” when I asked if he was going to take care of me that fantasy season felt like my own “Vegas Draft” moment from “The League.”
Yes, I realize that point above could have been mildly disturbing, but rest easy, dear readers – Jeff Gillooly-ish steps to ensure winning seasons are not in my plans.
…felt pretty proud of myself for draft reaches that worked out. Last year, it was Jordan Cameron and Julius Thomas. This year, it’s been Emmanuel Sanders and to a lesser extent, Travis Kelce. There are times when a fantasy manager overanalyzes, sure. But there are also times when one can look back on his picks and feel pretty damned proud for having selected that player when nobody else seemed interested. You who drafted Peyton Hillis when he had his career season in 2010 can empathize. And if you’ve still leaned on him ever since, may the fantasy gods help you.
One thing I have not and will steadfastly refuse to indulge in is call out players for falling short of my fantasy expectations in real life. I find this behavior abhorrent, and so while I have mentally calculated fantasy stats while watching preseason games to get hyped up for drafts and the coming season (no, seriously), it is perhaps a good sign for me that I have not dived so deep into fantasy management that I have lost touch with the reality of the sport.
Dear upset fantasy owners with the bad language you are a fantasy owner for a reason because you can't play or apparently fantasy coach!
— DeAngelo Williams (@DeAngeloRB) October 7, 2012
U r the head coach n the owner of ur fantasy team so u should be mad at urself I didn't ask any of u to draft … http://t.co/kIDXyMPvo3
— Chris Johnson (@ChrisJohnson28) September 30, 2013
I was a fan of fantasy football until today so many spiteful and hateful words I still love you all God Bless great win today #Ravens
— Ray Rice (@RayRice27) September 15, 2013
Besides, how could I ever be mad at DeAngelo Williams after his ridiculous form in the fantasy stretch run in 2008 (8 weeks, 993 yards, 15 TDs, 6 100+ yard games)? DW, you did me right, and for that, I will be forever grateful. And before you ask or comment, I absolutely do remember that run, both because of my affinity for the Carolina Panthers as well as for what it meant for my rosters that season. DW helped his team win the division and a first-round bye (we’re not going to talk about what happened next for the Panthers) and I won championships. It was a win-win situation.
There are strings of games like that – DeMarco Murray owners this year are nodding their head in silent agreement, and there are also those one-game explosions. Call them the fantasy version of a Perfect Storm, if you will. Michael Vick, 413 yards, 6 combined TDs against the Redskins on a Monday night – a game that surely sparked a million Monday comeback wins. And lucky you for starting Matt Asiata on either of his two 3-TD days so far this season. If you had him for both those days, congratulations, you have achieved the definition of capturing lightning in a bottle.
There are always going to be spectacular busts – yes, I have at some point in my “career” put stock in Kevin Kolb as a Keeper, projected Steve Breaston as a breakout WR, and faced the grim realization that picking a guy up after a multi-TD week did not necessarily mean it was going to rain 6s on your lineup. And then there are those moments where a goalline RB makes you want to reach through the screen and throttle a coach or offensive coordinator.
Critics have argued that becoming too immersed in fantasy football takes one away from being a true football fan. I argue the complete opposite: if not for fantasy football, I would not be paying attention to training and injury reports, depth charts, and as many individual games and even plays as I currently do. It is because of this immersion that I follow the NFL with such relish. If there’s a better way to feel an investment in practically every game each Sunday, I’m all ears.
In closing, what secrets are there to enjoying and being successful at fantasy football? I’ve been asked that question many times before. To be honest, though I might have my own personal tendencies and strateg……………no. Forget it. I’m not giving anything away. I will, however, share with you one recipe for success:
Never draft an Oakland Raider.
My name is Derek, and I’m a fantasy football addict. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have injury reports to go check since there’s a game tomorrow………
(Featured image: Raphael Kluzniok, The Chronicle)
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